A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells him “You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding.” So he chooses to check out hell first.
He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and doing the limbo (and nobody’s doing the Macarena!). Everyone is laughing and having a great time.
Next St. Peter takes him up to heaven to look around. Everything is white and pristine. People are speaking softly about philosophy and mathematical formulas. Others are simply contemplative and serene. He’s bored in about five minutes.
St. Peter then says to the apartment manager, “I want you to sleep on it and meet me back here in the morning to let me know your decision.” The next morning he comes back and says to St. Peter, “Heaven is very nice and all, but hell looks great, so I’ve decided that I want to go to hell”. So St. Peter puts him on the escalator down to hell.
When he gets there, he sees Satan whipping people and there’s fire everywhere and everyone is screaming in pain. So he goes over to Satan and says “Hey, what gives here? Yesterday I came here to check the place out and everyone had me partying and it looked like a great time. What happened?”
Satan looks at him and says: “You used to be a property manager so you ought to know the answer to your own question. Yesterday you were a prospect. Today you’re just another resident.”
17 Jesus Saves Joke
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!” Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?” God shrugged and said: “Jesus saves.”
18 Pastor Dressed As Satan
This pastor had a grumpy member named Bob who always sat with his arms crossed and never said a word to the preacher. One Sunday when it was time for the sermon, the stage filled with smoke and the pastor stepped out dressed as Satan. Everyone ran except Bob. The pastor (dressed as Satan) walked up to Bob.
Pastor: “Sir, don’t you know who I am?”
Bob: “Yes sir, I do.”
Pastor: “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
Pastor: “Why not?”
Bob: “Because I’ve been married to your sister for forty years.”
19 Wife Dressed As Devil
A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. “Who are you?” he asked. “I’m the Devil!” she responded. “Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”
20 Christian Lady Who Lived Next Door To An Atheist
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, “She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn’t she know there isn’t God?”
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying “Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don’t you know there is no God?” But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, “Humph! I’ll fix her.”
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.
When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, “You ol’ crazy lady, God didn’t buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!” At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, “I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn’t know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!”
21 Satan Jokes About Engineer In Hell
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. A newly anointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, “Ah, you’re an engineer; you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer: “So how is it going down there in hell?”
Satan laughed and replied: “Things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God’s face clouded over and he exploded: “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan shook his head, then said: “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God was as mad as he had ever been, so he said: “This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughed uproariously and said: “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
22 Phone Call From Hell
Three men want to make phone call from Hell to remind their relatives about its harsh conditions. Their nationalities are American, Italian, and Iraqi.
They decide to go to the Devil who is the boss. American made a call and the Devil made him pay 100 dollars. Italian made a call and the Devil made him pay 100 Euros.
Lastly, an Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him pay one cent. Both the American and Italian complain that it is not fair. The devil responds: “The Iraqi call was a local call whereas your calls were international calls”.
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