33 Funny Quotes And Sayings On Life That Will Make You LOL

Short Funny Quotes

Check out some short funny quotes and hilarious sayings on life. All of ’em are awesome.

1 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

2 You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more? Chris Rock
If you liked this funny Chris Rock quote, check out 20 Best Chris Rock Jokes That Will Make You LOL

3 “It’s not because I want to make out with her.”
“Hold on.”
He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he’d just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. “I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit." John Green

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Short Funny Sayings About Life

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4 I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me. Jarod Kintz

5 I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one? Jarod Kintz

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6 “Headline?” he asked.
“‘Swing Set Needs Home,'” I said.
“‘Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'” he said.
“‘Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'” I said." John Green

7 Short Funny Quotes By Gena Showalter About Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say on a Date

1. You’re wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where’s the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You’re going to order that? Seriously?
10. You’re how old?

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8 Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir

9 The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin

10 Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres

11 If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

12 When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

13 It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe

14 If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

15 A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice. Bill Cosby

Check Out Some Funny Birthday Quotes You Need To Know

16 I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

17 They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting. John Green

18 That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin

19 A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston Churchill

20 I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me. Jarod Kintz

21 Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. Albert Einstein

22 If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people. Jarod Kintz

23 Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. Lemony Snicket

24 I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

25 Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something – Shane. Rachel Caine

26 I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning. Jarod Kintz

27 Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. Rodney Dangerfield

28 This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this. Charles M. Schulz

29 I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers. Rodney Dangerfield

30 If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now. Jarod Kintz

31 I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything. Jarod Kintz

32 What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize. Rick Riordan

33 I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick. Jarod Kintz

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Roman Marshanski

Roman Marshanski

This post has been created by Roman Marshanski, the founder of this site. He loves film, comedy, and innovative technology. He believes in bringing about positive change to the world through good-natured humor and innovative technology. If you enjoyed reading this page, follow him on Google+ or Pinterest for more awesome content.
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