1 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
2 You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more? Chris Rock
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3 “It’s not because I want to make out with her.”
He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he’d just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. “I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit." John Green
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4 I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me. Jarod Kintz
5 I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one? Jarod Kintz
6 “Headline?” he asked.
“‘Swing Set Needs Home,'” I said.
“‘Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'” he said.
“‘Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'” I said." John Green
7 Short Funny Quotes By Gena Showalter About Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say on a Date
1. You’re wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where’s the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You’re going to order that? Seriously?
10. You’re how old?
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8 Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir
9 The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin
10 Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres
11 If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld
12 When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite
13 It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe
14 If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti
15 A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice. Bill Cosby
16 I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
17 They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting. John Green
18 That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
19 A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston Churchill
20 I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me. Jarod Kintz
21 Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. Albert Einstein
22 If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people. Jarod Kintz
23 Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. Lemony Snicket
24 I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield
25 Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something – Shane. Rachel Caine
26 I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning. Jarod Kintz
27 Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. Rodney Dangerfield
28 This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this. Charles M. Schulz
29 I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers. Rodney Dangerfield
30 If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now. Jarod Kintz
31 I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything. Jarod Kintz
32 What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize. Rick Riordan
33 I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick. Jarod Kintz
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