1 3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.
Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It’s the coolest.
3rd Grader: Really?
Billy Madison: YES. You ain’t cool, unless you pee your pants.
3rd Grader: Hey look, Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!
Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy Madison: OOH. That was the grossest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Let’s Go.
Funny Billy Madison Quotes About The Most Idiotic Thing Ever Said In That Movie
2 Principal: Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
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3 3rd Grader: How’s high school Billy?
Billy Madison: High school is great. I mean I’m learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It’s great.
3rd Grader: Gee, I can’t wait till I get to “hike” school.
Billy Madison: [grabs 3rd grader’s face and whispers] Don’t you say that. Don’t you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.
4 Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.
Billy Madison: No, you don’t.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her *got it on*. Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison: No, they didn’t.
Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn’t. But you could imagine what it’d be like if they did, right…? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.
Bus Driver: No yelling on the bus!
5 Billy Madison: I swear to God I’m sick. I can’t go to school.
Juanita: If you’re gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison: Oh my God. I’ll go to school.
6 3rd Grader: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl
Billy Madison: Kid can’t even read
Ernie: Cut it out dude your gonna get us in trouble.
Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!
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7 Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy Madison: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?
Billy Madison: Meg Ryan.
8 Billy Madison: [to Miss Lippy] Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don’t like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn’t put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy’s gotta think ‘You got a pet. You got a responsibility.’ If your dog gets lost you don’t look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.
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9 Kyle: Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver.
[Dan throw’s sandwhich at the bus driver]
Bus Driver: HEY!
Veronica Vaughn: Hey who threw that?
Bus Driver: I’ll turn this damn bus around! That’ll end your precious field trip pretty damn quick huh! Little shit!
[quivers lips up and down while face gets red]
Dialogue Exchange Between Billy Madison And His Father
10 Brian Madison: You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes…
Billy Madison: Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank.
[Lifts his shirt to show “FRANK” written on the inside]
Brian Madison: Yea, well whatever, it’s all my fault. I made a mistake.
[Looks up to see Billy lifting his shirt]
Brian Madison: What? Are you some damned moron?
11 Billy Madison: [singing] Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.
12 Billy Madison: No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I’m here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.
13 Billy Madison: [Veronica has taken Billy out of the classroom after making fun of the kid trying to read My sister Fanny] OW! Your tearing my ear off.
[Sits down on chair]
Veronica Vaughn: [scolding Billy in the hallway] Making fun of a little kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?
Billy Madison: I’m sorry I can’t hear you. I’ve been physically abused in the ear.
Veronica Vaughn: You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I’m going to fail you. End of story.
[Goes back into classroom]
Billy Madison: I see your lips moving but I can’t make out the words. I’m deaf. Oh Veronica Vaughn so hot want to touch the heiney.
[Howls like a wolf]
Billy Madison: Arrroooooooo!
Dialogue Exchange Between Veronica Vaughn And Billy Madison
14 Veronica Vaughn: So it’s um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do?
Billy Madison: Well I can think of three things I’d like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo…
Veronica Vaughn: Really?
Billy Madison: …Live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.
15 Billy Madison: [shouting] Where’s my snack pack?
Juanita: You got a banana, you don’t need no snack pack.
16 Eric: So he’s passed first grade and moved on to second. whooptieto. Any more information, Rollo?
Rollo the Janitor: Uh…
[takes out crumpled note]
Rollo the Janitor: Billy likes to drink soda, Miss Lippy’s car is green.
17 Billy Madison: Hey I’m trying to score points with the teacher today. DON’T SCREW IT UP.
3rd Grader: I dare you to touch her boobs.
Billy Madison: Touch her boobs? That’s assault brotha. You double dare me?
Billy Madison: [walks down the bus to the teacher] Uhhh Miss Vaughn, I was wondering how long there’s to get there, I need to go to the bathroom.
Veronica Vaughn: Not too long now…
[Billy pretends to fall on her, while groping her]
Billy Madison: Oh, I’m sorry! Damn bus driver drives like an animal!
Veronica Vaughn: That’s alright, Billy, why don’t you go back and sit now?
Veronica Vaughn: I double dare you.
Billy Madison: [Stuttering] That… tit… accident…
Veronica Vaughn: Go back to your seat now.
Billy Madison: …I… Yes…
[looking embarrassed now]
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Everyone Is Now Dumber – Billy Madison Scene
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